The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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