I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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