I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
