I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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