Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize