He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
