I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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