think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
