why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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