Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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