Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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