Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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