I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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