you have to choose: penises or morals?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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