I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
