I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
