You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
