Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
