so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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