Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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