Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
All the doctor said was why
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
