so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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