Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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