I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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