My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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