dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
