I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He passed out mid-signature
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Randomize
