I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
