Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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