For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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