Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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