2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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