Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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