Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
