I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
