she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
