Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
where does the pee come out of this thing
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
