She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
