i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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