well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
