well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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