this beer tastes like vomit already
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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