I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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