I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
