My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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