Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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