My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
