Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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