just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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