What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I believe in your delicious
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
