I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
worst night to have a conscience
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
