hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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