just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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