It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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