Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
