Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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