omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize