How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
