This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
