Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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