Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
