Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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