i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
