i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Randomize
