I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
